Tuesday, January 22, 2008

'Lovers of Six Years' exposes risks of shacking up

Should couples live together before tying the knot? If this question were asked 20 years ago, most Korean respondents would have expressed their shock and disbelief, much less show any willingness to weigh pros and cons.

Back to the present: Koreans are not so ultraconservative any longer and the number of Korean couples trying out cohabitation is on the rise. The proof is that even a mass-market romantic flick like "Lovers of Six Years (6-nyeonjjae yeonae-jung)" has chosen this daring topic and treats cohabitation as nothing special.

"Nothing special" is also a keyword for Da-jin (Kim Ha-neul), a hard-working editor at a publishing company, and her boyfriend Jae-young (Yoon Gye-sang), an equally diligent home shopping producer. Six years ago, they began to date. Two years ago, they started sleeping together. Now, they are next-door neighbors, but the wall separating their houses does not have any significant function. They virtually share their rooms -- and bedrooms at night. They know each other inside and out so much so that they begin to feel a bit bored, and the magical sparks and excitement is already gone. Their relationships seem to have passed a stage where something special is at work.

"Lovers of Six Years"
As with other cohabitating couples, there is a risk that Da-jin and Jae-young remain unmarried and yet share so many things in life. Infidelity is one of many risks, though it's pretty fatal given that cohabitation does not entail as strong a commitment as marriage. Da-jin tries to hire a top-notch book designer for her latest project. She juggles up various strategies to win the heart of this much-sought-after designer without realizing that her charm as an attractive woman goes rarely unnoticed. By the way, Kim Ha-neul seems at ease with her role, even in a scene where she has to act as an experienced lover.

While Da-jin has to stave off repeated come-ons from the new acquaintance, her boyfriend is forced to deal with an unabashed temptation from a daring part-time worker at the cable shopping mall.

But the movie does not tackle the issue of infidelity for this cohabiting couple as seriously as it should. Certainly it is an important plot device, but even before such outside forces emerge, they are already in a precarious phase where they feel too familiar with each other and have to seek some additional excuses to stick together -- more convincing excuses than they used to spend six years together as lovers.

In fact, couples who live together before marriage tend to believe that they have the opportunity to test how well they suit each other. But when confronted with overwhelming challenges such as one-night stands, cohabitation is likely to break down faster than those shackled in marriage, which is still held together by a relatively stronger ethic of commitment.

Yoon Gye-sang, former member of now-disbanded music group g.o.d., demonstrates his hidden acting talent by infusing some realism into the stereotypical Korean man character who is extremely generous about his own extra-cohabitation "romance" and unbelievably strict about his partner's "fling." The lesson for women: when deciding to live with a man before marriage, don't set a standard too high since men are generally not so reliable, much less genuinely romantic.

Source: Korea Herald

2 comments:

Dr John Curtis said...

It has become worldwide trend.

http://www.cohabitating.org/

Dr John Curtis said...

Cohabitation has gotten such a bad rap for so long, it is time for some counterpoints for your considerations...

1) Years of judgment & fear-mongering have done NOTHING to discourage cohabitation.

Like the movie "Reefer Madness" in the 1960s was a failed attempt to discourage marijuana use, condemnation of cohabitation is failing, as well. Most cohabiters feel like it "won't happen to them" and / or they fear a failed marriage even more, so opt to live together despite the odds.

2) The U.S. leads the world in divorce but lags in cohabitation, but that is rapidly changing.

Rates of cohabitation will skyrocket in the near future since 75% of high school students believe living together is worthwhile and harmless. Over 60% of high school girls and nearly 70% of high school boys have a favorable opinion of cohabitation.

3) We must "reinvent" and raise our expectations of cohabitation, and our attitudes toward those who decide to live together.

While a commonly held expectation (myth) is that in marriage you will... "live happily ever-after," there is NO parallel expectation of cohabitation other than "it won't last" which may help create a "self-fulfilling" prophecy. Additionally, seniors might cohabit to avoid the loss of pensions, etc. if they were to marry just as soon as young adults live together for easy access to sex or to save on rent. Cohabiting is not just for the twenty-something crowd but is happening across the age spectrum.

4) Understanding cohabitation means understanding that our motives for cohabitation have undergone a drastic transformation.

Baby boomers started the cohabitation movement to rebel against marriage and as part of the sexual revolution. Now, in part, due to all the boomers who shacked up in the 60s, got married in the 70s, divorced in the 80s and who raised the first generation of children from broken homes, cohabitation is exploding out of fear of failure and not as a "anti-establishment" statement.

5) Cohabitation could be a long-term, permanent trend OR an experimental cycle that will end in failure.

One could assume that with the growth of cohabitation, marriage is an endangered institution. However, it is too early to say this move away from legally-binding relationships is an ongoing TREND or that we are merely seeing the bottom of a CYCLE and that marriage is on the upswing.

Many children of divorced parents developed...

“I’ll not go through the pain my parents did with their divorce” mindset, and cohabitate instead.

Therefore, one could speculate that children of cohabiting parents may also develop a similar...

“I’ll not go through the hassles my parents did while cohabiting” mindset and marry instead.

It's possible that future generations of the children of cohabiters will seek the stability of marriage, rejecting their parents’ cohabitation relationship as just too insecure.

The current evidence does not verify if cohabitation will last or merely be part of a multi-generational experiment that will ultimately “fizzle out” due to a loss of interest and lack of perceived benefit. Western Europe might be the bellwether of cohabitation patterns in the U.S.
___________________

John Curtis, Ph.D.
33 Winghaven Heights
Waynesville, NC 28786
1.828.246.0459
www.wecohabitate.com
___________________